Top 7 v2: Looking for some hot stuff

Sure. we're a little late with this week's 'American Idol' Guest Commentary, but isn't the wait worth it?

Disco Night was not totally what I hoped for—meaning that there was no evidence of cocaine use, bell bottoms, and DEFINITELY not enough sequins. Shout out to little Iraheta for wearing the spangly top…digging it. It did prove interesting on the performance front, which I guess I will have to settle for. Great improvements included a return to the Randy, Kara, Paula, then Simon judging order, no wasted time with mentors pre-judging a performance before it happens, and the return of the fire-y backdrop. (Just kidding about the latter, I hate that thing, and during Danny’s performance I had to overcome the worst case of motion sickness I’ve had since the first time I rode Superman at Six Flags.)

Highlights of the show:

• Allison on the steps with her broken down baby doll posing (thanks to Tyra) and her AWESOME rendition of Hot Stuff. Despite the toned-down red hair, she really kicked it up a notch this week, and deservedly got to stay with us as the token female and token racial minority.
• Kris swoony-swoon-swoon cares about hard-workin' girls. And he isn’t amazingly cheesy when accompanied by a small band of drummers, which is hard to pull off. He also kicked butt with the arrangement, reminding me of the early days of John Mayer, someone I can see him growing to be like with the chances he takes and his interest in singing a story rather than just notes. Not to mention his slight Southern sex appeal.
• Seeing Matt try to dance. Having the hat to cover his mole.
• Wondering what the heck kind of spanks Lil was wearing under that bodysuit. Damn, girl! She looked amazingly curvalicious and her diva hair helped. Too bad the judges and America didn’t embrace her performance—I didn’t really think it was that bad, it was just more that everyone decided it was her time to go.
• Anoop’s facial hair. (I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

Things that brought me utter despair and tormented sadness:

• The judges using THE MOST clichés and packaged phrases EVER. I didn’t take really specific notes, but it was ridiculous.
• Lambert’s song. What is this? Who gives a damn? Next! (Oh, and I DID notice how he couldn’t resist throwing one of his crazy screams in there.)
  
• Noopsie’s (my own little nickname for his fan group) dull dull dull performance of blah blah blah that just totally zzzz….
• Dan. Ny. Go. Key. Paula’s insanity is unleashed when you do your hypnotic back-up singer dancing. She was totally entranced into spewing some nonsense about you having one of the sexiest male voices in the entire galaxy. Let me just tell you, you don’t. Also, she mentioned that women of all ages would enjoy you. Let me just tell you, I don’t. I really hate your entire tone. [Editor's note: He is Taylor Hicks, redux]
  

What I want next week (Oh my god, the theme is “Rat Pack Standards”. Not my genre, nor do I see it being a good area for any of the top 5? Should be interesting, yipes)

• More of Paula’s choreography and Adam’s execution of it during the results show! That whole thing was AMAZING. Not the singing, just the show choir feel of it all. Oh, and the COSTUMES. I love it when they force them to wear really strange things like sunglasses indoors and go-go boots.
• Keep the judging order.
• Give us a little more insight into these people’s lives!
• Fiberglass wall between Simon and Paula so they can’t touch each other.
• Kris to dress up.
• Mole removal for Matt.
• Ryan to fall flat on his face when coming down those blue stairs.
• Round trip airfare and deluxe accommodations so I can watch in person.
• A pony.
• World peace.

Until then, lots of love, elastic undergarments (from the women’s section), and age appropriate dance moves (thank you Allison, no thank you Gokey),

Jessica

Top 7- Take this sinking boat and point it home...

Last night's 'American Idol' had me wondering two things: 1) What will it take to get them to fit into an hour-long slot and stop messing up my DVR settings for 'Fringe'? 2) Could movie night redeem itself in guest commentator Jessica's eyes? See for yourselves:

Oh. My. GOOOODNESS!!! As Ryan would say, “We’re back on American Idol!”

Last night’s show managed to pull me back in. Was it the band being onstage? No. Was it Quentin Tarantino’s gosh-darn-ain’t-life-grand take on things? Maybe. Was it having a theme that allowed me and my roommates to belt out exceptionally cheesy movie song faves? Quite possibly. Was it seeing Gokey with no glasses? Almost definitely.

But what really made me happy was seeing these singers that have truly decided (in accordance with my belief, of course) that the judges don’t matter, and they are going to just go ahead and “do their thing.” And you know what? I enjoy that. Like I’ve always thought, the reason I like 'American Idol' is that it gives me a chance to watch singers: fairly good to great singers, doing something they really care about.

So, after my quavering last week, I’m back on board. Still hatin’ on the judges though (it’s not about you), and wishing that they could freakin’ figure out how to fit the show into an hour spot. (Which reminds me…is next week when everyone starts doing two songs? YES! I LOVE that!)

Instead of reviewing the performances chronologically this week, I’ve made three groups (in tribute to one of my recaps last year): Bleh, Meh, and YEAH!

Bleh:

Matty Matt Matt Boston A-Hole J.T. Wannabe Giraud: Wow, they really reamed you a new one. In a lot of ways. Ryan asking you about your confidence level? Rude. Not including castanets (thanks for pointing this out, Melissa) in the arrangement of “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?” Thoughtless. Allowing you to pronounce love as “luuuu-uuurrve”? Yipes! The recovery from the falsetto was really rough, and Randy and Kara harped on it. All that “for me, for you, tonight” crap from Randy could be interpreted as they don’t really think you’re the shiz anymore. Even Kara, who only wants to say wonderful stuff about you and is your main champion, ooquestions why you tk away the core melodies and in turn ruined the song. Should have followed QT’s advice: Do the gravel and the soul, but don’t lose the song, and enunciate the lyrics.

Allison Muppet Hair that matches belt and tights Iraheta: Quentin “pushed her to a performance level” on her version of “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (which is soooo blah), and she didn’t do super poorly, but she did achieve boring. Paula didn’t make any comment on her actual performance, and Simon verified that she may have more confidence than before. (Who cares??) At least she was comfortable with her song, and not just because her outfit was an old mechanic’s jumpsuit turned rocker dress.

Danny “this touches my heart” Gokey: Looked like he was in pain during his performance. Maybe I am usually so distracted by his glasses I don’t notice that he’s always pulling faces? “Endless Love” seemed endless and hardly lovely, although Paula found “a magical place in the tambor of his voice” and Simon was disappointed but congratulated Danny on the emotional trial he went through to perform. So maybe it was real pain? I couldn’t be certain. Can I take this moment to comment on how MUCH I HATE GRAVELLY VOICES? It is not acceptable any longer, folks. I will not support grumbling as singing.

Meh:

Adam “does not look good in tight jeans, especially super faded gray ones, which is funny because he should look good in everything” Lambert: Oh where to begin. This guy is, as QT stated, the Real Deal and yes, all of us enjoy a taste of Adam too, 'tino. But how do I even react when I know what he can do? It’s so over-dramatic and I felt like it was “Born to Be Wild” from the musical version of 'Easy Rider,' which is not exactly the same as a movie song? Paula praised Adam for, get this, “daring to dance in the path of greatness” which means “daring to wear those pants and dance” I believe. Simon joked that Adam needs to learn to express himself, but was probably right in judging that this performance wouldn’t be as popular as last week. Which brings me to another point: Why do they compare week to week so much? Just tell me WHAT YOU THINK NOW. Judge. Simple, easy command, and your title, by the way. My thoughts: Adam, I want to support you morally, but every time you pull a stunt like this, I question if I would listen to your music, and often think I wouldn’t. You can honestly do anything…so impress me, don’t scare me away.

Lil “Takes it all in and gets it done” Rounds: I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER THIS WEEK. I loved it. Why is she not a "yeah!"? Well, all the talk back. It makes me fear for her. She sang a really well-known song, which I think is good, and tackled it in “her” way. And I really enjoy gospel, so it made me happy. I also loved how she took (once again, great one!) Quentin’s advice to commit to being simple in the beginning before the gospel break down. I thought that girlish innocence in the beginning was really great on her, and it showed a whole other side to her. I am not even going into the judges opinion—let’s just say it wasn’t at all on par with the performance. I hope Lil makes it past this week and gets to keep doing inventive stuff like this that is much more truly her than the Mary J. wannabe they are trying to create. You know what, she is definitely verging on Yeah for me. Woo!

On to….YEAH!

Anoop “do you have anything else to wear that isn’t from the college bookstore?” Desai: Boy, he gave me goosebumps last night with “Everything I Do”. He did everything RIGHT. Gave heart and soul, and even started sweating on his ‘stache with effort. Quentin instructed him to growl a little, much to our enjoyment, and he kicked it into gear as the song developed. And that’s the key—he made the song have a crescendo, something he could teach to a few of his colleagues. Very happy with him.

AND FINALLY...

KRIS “You made me run around the house like a maniac with your song choice and awesomeness” ALLEN!: I once told Ashley and Trevor that I believe Madonna is a genius [Editor's note: A statement that led to relentless mocking for years, mostly due to the incredible stress placed on the word: GENIUS]. Last night, by choosing “Falling Slowly” from 'Once,' Kris stepped into that musical genius realm that I reserve for artists that make awesome choices. First of all, it fits him. Second of all, it may not be well known, but it is a truly difficult vocal to perform. Don’t believe me? Try to sing that song and hit every note on pitch. It’s hard. Third, it’s romantic. Fourth, he is amazing!!! Okay, sorry, I will look at my notes and see true commentary, not just my silly reactions. Quentin said that Kris is “living up to the spirit of the competition” and “playing with the casino’s money” which are both awesome things to say. I thought that the key was a little too low in the beginning, but at the first chorus everything got adjusted. Randy and Kara didn’t totally glob on, but who really cares about them. It was a great choice, performance, and HE WAS AMAZING!!!

Hugs and kisses and lots of Glen Hansard’s deep sexy voice,
Jessica

Top 8: And that's why I love you....

Guest commentary from She-Who-Used-to-be-Idol-Fan-Numero-Uno.

Am I alone in questioning whether or not I want to dedicate so much of my time and energy to this show anymore? As I lay restless in bed last night, I was unable to figure out why I wasn’t falling asleep easily, why the hour-long (oh wait, it was actually longer if you wanted to see Adam’s performance!) show didn’t leave me satisfied and happy with the future of these select contestants and the often annoying, mostly ridiculous fools that we call judges. Like in the old days, where Chris Richardson crooning with a slight Southern twang could float me away on a dreamy cloudy pillow for 8+ hours of contentment, knowing that I could count on him being there to entertain me again the next week. Anyway, the result-- I have used last night’s show as a testing ground for my new theory: that American Idol is becoming a complete waste of time.

Hypothesis:

All the judges have no idea who they are supposed to be, so I can no longer take them seriously as judges of someone else’s talent and image.

Evidence:

• Last night Randy told Kris, “YOU are in the competition, not the SONG.” SINCE WHEN?!!?! As far as I have been tracking, song choice has been everyone’s biggest point of debate this season, and suddenly we are supposed to disregard it.
• I’m sure almost all of you have joined me in questioning Kara’s credibility and opinion on virtually everything. Her recent behavior has led to a confrontation with Megan’s brother, and from last night’s show, the strange discussion of Anoop’s supposed attitude that yielded an apology (which Simon did not approve of). She is getting under everyone’s skin, and not because she is providing criticism that people don’t agree with, but because she adds nothing to the show, which is sad as she could have become the resident expert on what makes a good recording artist.
• Paula has become the most reasonable judge. This should never be. She is throwing around terms like chord substitution. Something is cosmically altered. I knew I was feeling slightly off-kilter as I brushed my teeth last night.
• Simon. Has. Completely. Checked. Out.

Suggestions:

• Please drop the use of the following terms: “singing competition”, “package artist”, “vocals”, and “standing ovation”. (The latter should never be said, just done?)
• Go back to down the line judging—start with Randy and end with Simon.
• Don’t continue spending so much camera time on the judges—no more watching them walk in, asking who’s going home, talking about the Judges’ Save—focus on the contestants. I am still shocked about how little I know about each of them! My total knowledge: Anoop is an only child. Adam’s dad is super cute. Danny is the ham of his family. Allison’s family was unfairly subtitled in the past, but not last night. Kris wanted to be a cab driver. That’s it. I should be forming permanent relationships with people’s moms and knowing the patterns of their couches by the top 8!

In addition to my hypothesis that explains the slow downturn of the show, I created a pro and con list to help me better explore my feelings.

Pros/Cons of watching AI Season 8:

• Pro: I look forward to fresh performances of songs
• Con: Blind-y keeps singing power ballads that absolutely suck, and America keeps pitying him and voting for him despite the true lack of pleasing notes sung
• Pro: It’s amusing to watch the group numbers and see them pulverize pop music
• Con: Song choice is constantly criticized yet greatly out of the contestant’s control
• Pro: Phil Stacey returned in last night’s audience—maybe you saw the robotic bald man in the beginning?
• Con: Matt Giraud (crowned by Melissa, Aimee, Robin and I as a Typical Boston Asshole [even though he’s not from here, he fits the part and would normally be the type that approaches you after the Sox game at Game On! after too many Jaeger-bombs]) seems like he may be around for awhile, despite his tight pants and so-so performing.
• Pro: The first useful criticism of the year came last night regarding Lil—all the judges actually warned her in a way that could prove useful. Maybe there will be more of that as we move into the top contestants?
• Con: The judges or producers have their favorites: Adam, Danny, and Matt, and are leaving little room for Allison and Kris to succeed by KILLING them with weird arrangements and comments about being only “likeable” or “cute” or “good” and not “AMAZING”, “AWESOME”, or “two words, STANDING OVATION” like their faves.
• Pro: Paula saying, “magical” and “rainbow” repeatedly
• Con: Anything Kara or Randy says anymore
• Pro: I still think it’s a great platform for an emerging artist
• Con: Sadly, the show is becoming not at all about the singers

It’s sad. I want to be in love with it. On Monday night, I was wishing Idol was on. I want to love them all! I want to be moved to vote for everyone! Let’s hope that things take a turn for the better soon, starting with a surprise reversal of the decision to send Alexis home. That would also help.

In closing, it is my theory that soon enough most Americans will join me in disdain of celebrity hogging, overpaid jerks that don’t really mold or shape future Idols (not artists or talents, we’re talking about POP STARS) through their critique. It’s time to take a step back, RKPS, and allow the contestants to speak for themselves. I’m going to give you one more week to improve, if I see no change, expect an angry letter in this forum.

Sincerely,
Jessica
A Fan Since Season 5 and Someone That Really Likes To Share Her Feelings About “Singing Competitions”

Top 9: I don't know what it is but it seems she's got me twisted...

We love guest commentary (these days, it might seem more prevalent than home turf commentary!):

I’m referring, of course to Kara DioGuardi. Some factoids ripped from her Wiki:

• She is of Albanian and Italian descent.
• SHE IS A COUSIN OF REGIS PHILBIN!!!?!?!
• She has worked with Celine Dion, David Archuleta, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Leona Lewis, Ashley Tisdale, P!nk, Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears and Paula Abdul.

Some factoids ripped from my brain about Kara:

• She is the perfect mix of uselessness and irritation.
• She is like the lovechild of Randy and Paula: extremely mild and unwilling to offend, yet with none of joys of Paula’s poetry.
• She may have the background to be qualified as a judge, but she sure as hell isn’t proving to be interesting enough as one.

Moving on to a new rant: Randy. Dude, you know, you’re kind-of just alright for me anymore. I mean, I know you make some interesting style choices and are representing a lot of people’s opinions (in never giving a meaningful one on anything), but I am just not feeling you so much. WHAT HAPPENED?! You used to get excited! You used to scream and whoop and yell words like, “Hot!”, “Dawg!”, and “Hotdog!”. I miss your personality. Did Kara steal it from you and mix in the part of Paula’s that was sucked out to make her cheekbones more exaggerated?

Okay, enough. For now. Paula and Simon are annoying the heck out of me too, but that would be at least five more paragraphs and it’s time to move on to last night’s business: Songs that are popular downloads on iTunes. My question: How popular do they need to be? I was looking for a little more clarity there, as I’m sure many of you were. I did like the visit of the contestants to Ryan’s radio show—I give him a listen every now and then, and definitely appreciate him as a disc jockey (He’s might be losing his flair as the host, but again, I won’t be sidetracked.). Let me just insert that I love Top 40 music, not because pop changes my life in any way, but because I like to stay connected to what’s popular and Casey Kasem’s voice always made me feel like I was dipping a spoon into a fresh bowl of chocolate mousse. Plus, we all have to support someone who supported 'Saved By the Bell', right?

Anoop started the show with a shouty and echoey “Caught Up” by Usher. I heart Usher and I don’t know, guys. Does it bother anyone else how Anoop looks so angry when he sings? During judging, the word “vocals” was used 7 times and during Anoop’s rebuttal he said “opinion” about 5 or 6 times. That’s all I got. After the break, Megan over-Winehoused “Turn Your Lights Down Low” but ended it beautifully—I just could cling to the last notes forever. It seemed like the women were actually giving her constructive criticism, but the men just criticized. We’ll see where Megan Joy (OMG I can’t even deal with THAT) falls—I’m betting on bottom three. Danny decided he “wanted to tone it down this week” so he sang “What Hurts the Most” (a song I can’t stand) by Rascal Flatts (men that look like fools). It was good, but I don’t really care? The judges went insane with praise and Danny shared that “when you got a heart” you must share it. Allison, dressed as Barbie of Barbie and the Rockers, did “her” version of 'Don’t Speak', and it was individualistic. Don’t take that as a compliment from me. The judges did all they could not to praise her because she is turning into a front runner and I think they want to knock her down a peg, so they only focused on her outfit and not the performance. Scott came out next and elicited a mental Ay! Ay! AY! from me (my favorite phrase from my trip to Puerto Rico) with his performance of 'Just the Way You Are' by B.J. [Editor's Note: Billy Joel is the absolute best. As Robin stated at my house last night, “It was definitely good, but the mullet is really distracting.” I agree wholeheartedly—they trimmed the sides but not the back? The text from a letter I overnighted to the studio today:

Dear American Idol Stylists, It is a cruel joke to give an Indian teen a Mohawk. It is a travesty to give a 21 year old mom pink hair. But it is to hell that you are bound when you give a blind man a mullet. Love, Jessica

Matt stood in the weirdest arrangement yet on Idol (and I am counting Kat McPhee’s barefoot sitting with congo drummer) at his keyboard surrounded by fans singsing the Fray’s “You Found Me”. I can’t stop disliking this dude. He dresses horribly, sings raspily (not a word) and CREEPS me out. I feel like he’s got a sketchy past—I can’t wait until something comes out about him. The performance: interesting but meh. Lil, clad in the wig of the week, brought her kids this week to see her sing “I Surrender” and she had to when the judges came down kinda hard on her. Her daughter volunteered to punch Randy on her behalf, but upon arrival just ended up in the most adorable hug. This endeared me enough to Randy to let him by with only minor insults this week. Still a warning: Bring back your personality, dawg. Moving on to…

Adam. Play That Funky Music. Crazy tongue. Insane dancing. Lots of falsetto riffing. Comparisons to Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger. Is that enough? It was insane-o yet again, but masterful? He will be just fine and I even think he’s gonna win, but I don’t know if I can actually embrace that! It’s just all soooo dramatic. Not that a musician shouldn’t be somewhat spectacular in the unique way he is. I don’t know. He needs to win me over. Like…..Kris has. Sigh. Even with what I refer to as a “grit-stache” he is so dreeeeeeeamy. Really putting his heart into “Ain’t No Sunshine”, he gave his definite best performance so far, and moved into what I would consider a more serious realm, not just a poppy sweetheart guy like Gavin DeGraw or David Archuleta. I of course fell asleep with happy dreams of him leaving his wife and taking me on the Idol tour with him this summer.

So—who’s in trouble? I think Anoop, Megan, Matt, and Lil are going to be among the lower vote-getters this time around. Good luck in the pool and more tomorrow with results!

Love and fake hair and LIVE! With Regis!,
Jessica

Guest Commentary: AI, Top 10

Guest commentary from Jessica on this week's episode. I have editorialized by adding in YouTube clips of my own personal favorites.

Top 10. You'll just have to wait...for more talent to come along. Maybe next week!

Wasn't last night's show--Motown Night-- extremely dull for something with so much potential? After waiting an extra day for the performances, I was really hoping that last night would make up for my overall sadness with Alexis leaving. What are the Idol producers thinking?

Anyway, we all know about the "treasure trove" of great Motown hits that these guys had to choose from...and still, the biggest critique was song choice. I've had it! Enough! This should be the last complaint of the judges, because it is something they have control over. Why don't we have a judges pick week just so we don't have to hear that any more?

• So, the night started with Matt "I haven't shaved in a week and a half and it makes me feel sexier than I am" Giraud. He chose the classic "Let's Get It On" and I have to say, "No thanks." His pace was boring and his jeans were so tight...I don't know who dressed him! The judges dug him – I didn’t.
• Kris "My wife is cute as a button" Allen chose to blow Smokey Robinson away with "How Sweet It Is" and I liked it, of course, but what was his awful shirt? The performance was a little corny but the judges loved it, overall. Simon asked him for more confidence and attitude – I would like a different shirt. :)
  
  
  
  
• Scott "I am not singing a ballad" took a different approach with having the backup singers come close and going up-tempo. I thought it was cheeeeesy. The judges were eh, too. He just needs to go! I love how he said, "I am single right now," and everyone just glossed over it. Yipes! Pink pants!
• Megan "Joy" Corkrey (enough with that!) sang "For Once in My Life" and it was so blarghy blah blah I can't even comment. What happened, Meggie? You were much too low and don't seem to know how to use "your instrument." The judges said blah too...I think you'll get through on your looks, this time!
• Anoop gave a kind-of boring performance of "Ooh, Baby, Baby" with tons of falsetto. The judges took this chance to give him lots of different advice none of which I found important enough to remember....sooo.....he'll be fine.
• Michael "Something is going on with his bite" Sarver sang "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and my notes were murhhhrgh. Simon thought he was shouting and Paula referred to a Vegas Lounge Act...but no worries! Michael is "just havin' a blast!" Who cares! Since when do I care whether or not the contestants are having fun? I want them to be stressed, struggling, missing their families, giving their all to fulfill their dream of performing at the TD Banknorth Gardens of the world. I don't want you to be having fun! Next time someone says that...I'm gonna...well, I don't know…rant about it here!
• So, you can see how so far this show was not meeting expectations. Aside from the pink pants, not even the outfits were worth commenting on. This is not what I expect. I expect costumes of Dreamgirls caliber! And here it is...Lil "Love my new hair" Rounds! She came out dressed in CHARACTER, which is what I want to see! I had really high expectations of her "Heatwave," but the key was weird. She looked great though, and she knows she's a good singer? (Is that what this has come to?) Ugh!
• Adam "I borrowed Ken's outfit and hair for tonight" Lambert did Smokey's own "Tracks of My Tears" and it was good. Finally. The judges dubbed it the best performance, and I would have to agree for tonight. At least it was interesting!
  
  
  
  
• Danny "I am great at choreography" Gokey pulled off a good performance...I think it was solid. The judges shafted him by cutting his critique short, but it was typical for him and entertaining in that highstrung way he has. Melissa and I especially enjoyed how he ignored Smokey's advice in the beginning! Ha!
• Finally, Allison "I'm only sixteen" Iraheta got lots of love from the judges for "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." She managed to keep her lyrics together in the performance and everyone loved her. Cute!

For a show with a lot of potential, I was semi-bored the whole time. Key causes:

1. The show is two hours: Give me more substance! Interviews about contestants, insights into their personalities, anything – I know nothing about these guys! Cut time from judging!
2. Enough critique of song choice. The point is that they should be able to sing anything. That is no longer going to fly with me.
3. My wisdom teeth were removed on Monday and I have been on drugs this whole time. Ha!

Let's hope this all improves for next week!

Top 11: You were always on my mind!

The guest commentary continues with Jessica's take on last night's Top 11 performances on American Idol.

Last night’s Idol pushed me to make a few firm decisions:

1. There are many country songs I just luuuu-uuuv. (Two syllables.)
2. I miss the Idol format of yore, when the mentor served as a guest judge.
3. I could be a better judge than last night’s Randy, Kara, Paula, or Simon. They all performed miserably.
4. There are certain contestants I don’t give a what about.

To elaborate:

That’s right, I love country.

Maybe cuz back in West Virginia, it permeates the atmosphere so much more. But hearing some of my favorite Garth Brooks or Dolly songs, I was really glad that they did the Opry week. There is nothing more miserable than those people that say they “just hate all country” music. I feel like people just say that because they don’t like certain singers or groups. They should be exposed in this cheap way to more country music. In other news--I would like to assert that Carrie Underwood may be having an impact on modern country, but seeing that it was Opry night I was disappointed in the lack of variety that the program offered. Why wasn’t each song by a different artist? Or more contemporary artists like Brad Paisley, Keith Urban, Darius Rucker (that’s right, Hootie), or Sugarland represented? Or more well known classics by George Jones, Reba McEntire, or Faith Hill picked because those are the songs people really get into? With song choice becoming the judges favorite thing to pick on besides the tightness of a contestant’s pants, I’m really beginning to wonder who the Puppetmaster is that is pulling some strings and cutting others—and is responsible for THREE artists getting TWO of their songs picked. When we are talking about HUNDREDS of country musicians over the years.

Whew. Anyway…to make a long story short: Carrie Underwood is Overrated. At least give a nod!

Last night made me sad for Randy Travis.

Why didn’t anyone sing one of his songs? In the old days, the mentors were a judge too, and now that’s just been pushed into a little pre-performance video package that actually doesn’t matter at all. And the actual judges never even deign to mention this mentorship. In the past, the mentor/judges were always overly gracious, but also perfect candidates for hilarity and entertainment value! Imagine these artists trying to remain tactful and polite when really on the spot—I would have loved to see R. Travis truly grade the performances. Let’s have 50 Cent, or Katie Perry, or Pete Wentz come on as a guest judge. They’d be bound to be amusing, at least. Which leads me to my next point…

Enough with the fake fighting and banter, I’m done with it.

Last night, the judges were ridiculous. They added NOTHING to the show. They didn’t help me form opinions. Let me charm you with some direct quotes…

“You could sing the alphabet well.” –Kara to Allison

“Tender moments from my dawg Kris.” –Randy

“You’re like someone singing at a wedding..” –Simon to “Little”

“Hot! Crazy! Unbelievable!”—Randy to Scott (!!?!?!!!?)

“More effective…” –Paula to Alexis

“Artists…” –Kara

“Artists like you” –Paula

“blah blah blah artists blah” –Paula

“A true artist” –Kara

“Artist shmartist” –Jessica

“You did it!” –Kara

“You should have flu every week.” –Simon to Megan

“What I applaud you most is your honesty, authenticity, how you are a true artist…” –Paula to Matt

“Mad skilz” –Randy

THESE FOOLS? You are looking to them to help you, America? I can do soooo much better! These people don’t even speak proper English! (Not that I always do, but you see, that’s because I am trying to get you to understand my oral colloquialisms, pacing, enunciation, and word choice through the written word, which is quite difficult sometimes. I mean, how can I use words to express how flabbergasted I am by the idiocy Simon and Paula exhibit as they grab each other constantly, fighting like five-year-olds? It’s tough.) Okay, so anyway, like I was saying, allow me to tell you what I thought.

Which brings me to…I don’t give a damn, I don’t give a what.

Michael: Good performance of a fun song, but you were a little mumble-y. You didn’t get to express your full voice with the song, but I think you should be okay this week. And please, don’t say that “you had fun”. I hate that. And don’t be so sassy back to me when I judge you. Despite the success of the Osbournes, America doesn’t really appreciate sassy.

Allison: You surprised me. Nice way to edge a little bit away from pure Barbie and the Rockers style music. I loved your look, it was age appropriate, and you didn’t take the song lyrics overly seriously, which is good because you’re talking about one of country’s famous subjects, which no 16 y.o. should know too much about—the lyin’ cheatin’ two timin’ double dealin' heart.

Kris: Swwoooooooooooooooon. Swooony swoon swoon sigh. Mmmm mmmm yummy nibbles. Swwoooon. Great song. Can I record the duet with you?

Lil: Oopsy daisy, girl. I find it adorable that you said, “Leeks” for “licks, but the song was not so good. You still put too much R&B flavor in it, and it’s just not that believable. I could picture it in the beginning, wich, by the way, the judges said was the worst part, but I thought was the best. We know you can sing though. I just think it wasn’t enough impact.

Adam: What the hell?!? Sorry, Ashley, I know you want me to be supportive, but it was weeeeeirrrrrd. The crowd LOVED it, but I just thought it was super creepy and was totally skeeved out by you. I think he sexualized a song that isn’t, and even though I like new arrangements and all that, he should have stuck with the original. His voice is unique enough, he doesn’t have to go to all the theatrics all the time. Talk about someone that needs to do something vulnerable.

Scott: I seriously don’t give. Ashley and Trevor suggested I write something down in my notes. Here they are: Jacket=same as Allison’s. Hair=better. Piano playing=gifted performer with his instrument. Jessica=bored.

Alexis: Maybe not your best night, but minus the boobs, you looked just like Dolly, even if you didn’t sing like her. You’ll be fine!

Danny: Sooooooo turned off by that song “Jesus Take the Wheel”. Blah blah blah. Dressed like Benjamin Linus to turn the Donkey Wheel. Don’t give a what.

Anoooooop!: Everyone has to say your name that way. You might as well have it legally changed. Include the exclamation! You did gr8. 4 sum reason I rlly want 2 write ur entry in txt speak just so I can say u sang, “u were alwayz on my mind”. I know, it’s a weird thing. NEwayz, gr8 job! U r 2 cool.

Megan: woooooowza, honey! You got away with MURDER this week. Can I say, I totally guessed that’s what you were going to sing? I knew it! Everyone else was really nice to you because you have Influenza B, but I think you did too much affectation with your voice and should have chosen a higher key to start in. You should have been sweeter—the song lyrics would have been more believable. Maybe you should have channeled your ex-love for your ex-husband to help you imagine what it’s like to “see a weeping willow, crying on his pillow”?

Matt: I wrote “DEAD TO ME” in my notes. You interpret.

Sooo….I hope I am right and Scott goes home tonight, after I watch my love (and Kimberly Williams’) Brad Paisley tonight and suffer through what is sure to be some horrible group number (Predictions? Before He Cheats? Something by Randy Travis maybe?) and an equally poor production that is meant to be a Ford commercial. Until then!

Lots of love and leather jackets and spurs,
Jessica

Guest Commentary: American Idol, Top 13

Today, Jessica takes over the reigns for 'American Idol' commentary. I will restrain myself as much as possible from inserting my own thoughts, and when it can't be helped, it will be marked with a very convenient [Editor's Note:]. Without further adieu...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwn…oops! Hello, and we’re back with the American Idol Top 13! (Pan across image of nervous contestants doing over-the-top grinning and gesturing at the camera…)

Here they are folks! After a LONG road to Hollywood/the Big Stage/Top 13/when-America-realizes-the-new-season-has-started, we finally get the chance to get some more info on these ingénues and see how they react to the setting.

For those of you that haven’t been watching, get ready. This week is like the scouting week—starting tomorrow after we get the results, I’ll send out the details of the pool for you to send in your picks. Until then…here’s my little recapitulation of last night’s demonstration.

Below are the top four (why four? I dunno) facts that you need to know about these guys. Here’s a picture to follow along:

Front to back, left to right: Megan, Jasmine, Danny, Alexis, Kris, Michael, Adam, Allison, Jorge, Matt, Lil, Anoop, and Scott. In their performance order from last night’s show:

Lil Rounds:

• Comes from a place that loves music & barbecue (tell me, where isn’t that?)
• Survived a tornado, similar to Dorothy, which may be the inspiration for her high-waisted, pleated, white pants (something a farm girl might wear to a picnic)
• Doesn’t realize her name is ridiculous
• Gave a decent performance of 'The Way You Make Me Feel,' but didn’t “blow it up” like she has every other time. Performed best at the end of the song, but I forgot it after the commercial break!

Scott MacIntyre:

• Is the only person that enjoys learning obscure Michael Jackson ballads on the piano
• Is blind. Okay, we get it.
• Appears to be magical, according to Paula.
• Raises some unique questions about how much hair gel one should use when you can’t see your hair. Do you judge by feel? Avoid the super crispy to the touch?

Danny Gokey:

• Has a family that sings everything. Something I’ve wished for many times in my life, if only my older sister could carry a tune.
• Must have a secret endorsement deal with LensCrafters
• Can really sing. Even though I don’t want to love him, he’s wearing me down!
• Chose PYT for his song. AWESOME.

Michael Sarver:

• WORKS ON AN OIL RIG.
• His performance made Simon use the words, “You brought passion, heart, and gave it 110%.” WHA?!?!
• Gives the vibe of an R&B swagger to Randy
• Was boring.

Jasmine Murray:

• Is from Mississippi. (MAN, that is fun to type!)
• Has a lot of sisters.
• This is her whole story.
• At least the arrangement they did of “I’ll Be There” included HARPSICHORD!!! Awesome!

Kris Allen:

• He is my insta-crush this year. I swooned. I CAN’T HELP IT, people. I am wired to love it. You can ask Ashley—even though I criticized his shirt during the opening, when he came out with his guitar and smile and sang a sassy version of “Remember the Time” I immediately got a little goony eyed and started thinking about Elliott Yamin, Chris Richardson, Jason Castro, and the amazing lovefest we could all have if only Kris makes it another week…
• He’s married to a really cute little wife? Hmph.
• Paula called him “kinda-adorable-sexy”. One word.
• I HATE this spelling of Chris and may actually have to change it in future recaps. Which there will be. Because I voted for him like 16 times last night. Sigh…..

Allison Iraheta:

• Sings for fun at a giant furniture clearance warehouse???
• I’m over her.
• Done with it.
• Aliwhaaaa? Blah, blah, she’s 16, she’ll be around. Gina-Glocksen wannabe!

Anoop Desai:

• Only child.
• Dressed like Blake Lewis. (Not a bad thing).
• Got a hair cut.
• Sang Beat It and the judges were PISSED. No idea why, I thought it was good!

Jorge Nunez:

• Oh, my friend. Lucky you got Puerto Rico on your side!
• He’s really sweet and cute and loves to sing! And thinned out his eyebrows!
• At least ended his boring performance with a sassy conclusion!
• Hmmm…my notes end because I was distracted by talking about the possibility of bracelet or three-quarters length sleeves on blazers for men… due to Jorge’s pushed up sleeves, I guess….

Megan Corkrey:

• Okay, she sang the worst song (“Rockin Robin”). But wasn’t it like to be cute, or screw the judges, or because she could funkify it? I caaaaaan’t help, lovin’ that Meg o’ mine…
• Tattoo arm is KILLING me. Wear sleeves.
• You are a horrible dancer.
• Your mom=HOT.

Adam Lambert:

• His performance merited an instant replay. To see if it was as good as the judges thought. (Editor's note: It was.)
• THEeeAteerrrrrrr!
• He did this awesome little version of the moonwalk that was more like a chicken walking backwards and pecking out his head…I loved it!
• 'Black & White'- not my fave MJ song. Burmpt.
  

Matt Giraud:

• Again with these songs…CHOOSE SOMETHING WE KNOW.
• I can’t help but feel that he is trying really hard to be Justin Timberlake, and although it’s probably true that you can never get too much T-Lake, I somehow feel that I don’t want it from this guy.
• Simon said something about his performance being meat and potatoes, which made me think about meat and potatoes. I give him a ham-steak and scalloped rating.
• Kara should just sleep with this guy. She loves him so much.

Alexis Grace:

• Her song choice of 'Dirty Diana' was completely right!
• I am NOT INTO PINK HAIRRRRR—can I say it one more time?!
• Simon doesn’t want to boost her ego just yet.
• She forces her little daughter to repeat things she says, which is awesome. I would have made her say, “mommy, don’t wear onesies on tv”.

So, anyway—tonight two go home and my picks for the bottom are: Scott, Michael, Jasmine, and Allison. Prove me wrong, America! Ha.

A special announcement

For the last three years, my dear friend/confidante/trashy TV co-conspirator Jessica has been entertaining the steadily growing masses with her American Idol commentary. She diligently follows up each performance show with whatever is called for – be that haikus, fashion commentary or a good ol’ fashioned rant about how stupidly unfair Simon was.

With the Top 13 kicking off tonight, I’m pleased to announce that Jessica will officially be syndicated here on Rockin’ to the Gentle Beat (R2GB?) for Day After commentary. Welcome her warmly, read her loyally, and, most importantly, if you disagree with her, make sure to send the mean comments directly to her at orndorffATalum.bu.edu.

Yours in AI spirit,
Ashley