Guest Commentary: American Idol, Top 13

Today, Jessica takes over the reigns for 'American Idol' commentary. I will restrain myself as much as possible from inserting my own thoughts, and when it can't be helped, it will be marked with a very convenient [Editor's Note:]. Without further adieu...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwn…oops! Hello, and we’re back with the American Idol Top 13! (Pan across image of nervous contestants doing over-the-top grinning and gesturing at the camera…)

Here they are folks! After a LONG road to Hollywood/the Big Stage/Top 13/when-America-realizes-the-new-season-has-started, we finally get the chance to get some more info on these ingénues and see how they react to the setting.

For those of you that haven’t been watching, get ready. This week is like the scouting week—starting tomorrow after we get the results, I’ll send out the details of the pool for you to send in your picks. Until then…here’s my little recapitulation of last night’s demonstration.

Below are the top four (why four? I dunno) facts that you need to know about these guys. Here’s a picture to follow along:

Front to back, left to right: Megan, Jasmine, Danny, Alexis, Kris, Michael, Adam, Allison, Jorge, Matt, Lil, Anoop, and Scott. In their performance order from last night’s show:

Lil Rounds:

• Comes from a place that loves music & barbecue (tell me, where isn’t that?)
• Survived a tornado, similar to Dorothy, which may be the inspiration for her high-waisted, pleated, white pants (something a farm girl might wear to a picnic)
• Doesn’t realize her name is ridiculous
• Gave a decent performance of 'The Way You Make Me Feel,' but didn’t “blow it up” like she has every other time. Performed best at the end of the song, but I forgot it after the commercial break!

Scott MacIntyre:

• Is the only person that enjoys learning obscure Michael Jackson ballads on the piano
• Is blind. Okay, we get it.
• Appears to be magical, according to Paula.
• Raises some unique questions about how much hair gel one should use when you can’t see your hair. Do you judge by feel? Avoid the super crispy to the touch?

Danny Gokey:

• Has a family that sings everything. Something I’ve wished for many times in my life, if only my older sister could carry a tune.
• Must have a secret endorsement deal with LensCrafters
• Can really sing. Even though I don’t want to love him, he’s wearing me down!
• Chose PYT for his song. AWESOME.

Michael Sarver:

• WORKS ON AN OIL RIG.
• His performance made Simon use the words, “You brought passion, heart, and gave it 110%.” WHA?!?!
• Gives the vibe of an R&B swagger to Randy
• Was boring.

Jasmine Murray:

• Is from Mississippi. (MAN, that is fun to type!)
• Has a lot of sisters.
• This is her whole story.
• At least the arrangement they did of “I’ll Be There” included HARPSICHORD!!! Awesome!

Kris Allen:

• He is my insta-crush this year. I swooned. I CAN’T HELP IT, people. I am wired to love it. You can ask Ashley—even though I criticized his shirt during the opening, when he came out with his guitar and smile and sang a sassy version of “Remember the Time” I immediately got a little goony eyed and started thinking about Elliott Yamin, Chris Richardson, Jason Castro, and the amazing lovefest we could all have if only Kris makes it another week…
• He’s married to a really cute little wife? Hmph.
• Paula called him “kinda-adorable-sexy”. One word.
• I HATE this spelling of Chris and may actually have to change it in future recaps. Which there will be. Because I voted for him like 16 times last night. Sigh…..

Allison Iraheta:

• Sings for fun at a giant furniture clearance warehouse???
• I’m over her.
• Done with it.
• Aliwhaaaa? Blah, blah, she’s 16, she’ll be around. Gina-Glocksen wannabe!

Anoop Desai:

• Only child.
• Dressed like Blake Lewis. (Not a bad thing).
• Got a hair cut.
• Sang Beat It and the judges were PISSED. No idea why, I thought it was good!

Jorge Nunez:

• Oh, my friend. Lucky you got Puerto Rico on your side!
• He’s really sweet and cute and loves to sing! And thinned out his eyebrows!
• At least ended his boring performance with a sassy conclusion!
• Hmmm…my notes end because I was distracted by talking about the possibility of bracelet or three-quarters length sleeves on blazers for men… due to Jorge’s pushed up sleeves, I guess….

Megan Corkrey:

• Okay, she sang the worst song (“Rockin Robin”). But wasn’t it like to be cute, or screw the judges, or because she could funkify it? I caaaaaan’t help, lovin’ that Meg o’ mine…
• Tattoo arm is KILLING me. Wear sleeves.
• You are a horrible dancer.
• Your mom=HOT.

Adam Lambert:

• His performance merited an instant replay. To see if it was as good as the judges thought. (Editor's note: It was.)
• THEeeAteerrrrrrr!
• He did this awesome little version of the moonwalk that was more like a chicken walking backwards and pecking out his head…I loved it!
• 'Black & White'- not my fave MJ song. Burmpt.
  

Matt Giraud:

• Again with these songs…CHOOSE SOMETHING WE KNOW.
• I can’t help but feel that he is trying really hard to be Justin Timberlake, and although it’s probably true that you can never get too much T-Lake, I somehow feel that I don’t want it from this guy.
• Simon said something about his performance being meat and potatoes, which made me think about meat and potatoes. I give him a ham-steak and scalloped rating.
• Kara should just sleep with this guy. She loves him so much.

Alexis Grace:

• Her song choice of 'Dirty Diana' was completely right!
• I am NOT INTO PINK HAIRRRRR—can I say it one more time?!
• Simon doesn’t want to boost her ego just yet.
• She forces her little daughter to repeat things she says, which is awesome. I would have made her say, “mommy, don’t wear onesies on tv”.

So, anyway—tonight two go home and my picks for the bottom are: Scott, Michael, Jasmine, and Allison. Prove me wrong, America! Ha.