Does not compute.

Have you seen ads for that new NBC show “Southland”? I think it’s taking over ER’s old timeslot (For those living in a cave for the last 15 years, Trevor, that would be Thursday at 10PM). It’s available for free download on iTunes this week, and free TV shows from iTunes are perfect for the gym, so I checked it out this afternoon.

It was…meh. (I love Regina King, so I might be convinced to try it out a couple more times, but in general it was a little too procedural for me –crime shown. suspects investigated, decoy villain, mystery solved). But there was something to love.

The pilot revolved around a rookie cop’s first day on the job in the LAPD. The rookie cop has some friction with the cops around him because apparently he’s some big wig rich lawyer’s son. This rookie cop is played by none other than Benjamin McKenzie, also known as Ryan Atwood, the non-Seth Cohen character from 'The OC.' You know, the one from the wrong side of the tracks.

Behold: The same face, two very different reactions:

"Chino? Ew!"

"Your face has 90210 written all over it."

How is my mind supposed to process such mixed signals??

Wait, I know this.

SPOILER ALERT: This entry contains [very vague] information about last night's episode of 'Lost.'

I’ve never found myself watching ‘Lost’ before and thinking “Yeah, this has been done before.” But it happened last night, when Ben was in the temple. It was straight out of the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ series finale.

I just wish I could find the right screencap. There was the rocky underground cave, the spiritual undertones, the lookalike who’s not who you think they are, the threatening violence. Even the way Ben had his vision, complete with swirling smoke and memory flashes, had the feel of a show on a WB-budget.

And while I loved it in ‘Buffy’ – the camp factor was key to that show’s amazingness – I’m not sure it fits with ‘Lost.’ Though, some disappointment has to be expected when they're trying to explain one of the mythology-heavy show’s most mythological mysteries.

Since I'm assuming most of y'all don't have that same kind of 'Buffy' frame of reference, I'm curious - what did you think about this Big Reveal?

Top 8: And that's why I love you....

Guest commentary from She-Who-Used-to-be-Idol-Fan-Numero-Uno.

Am I alone in questioning whether or not I want to dedicate so much of my time and energy to this show anymore? As I lay restless in bed last night, I was unable to figure out why I wasn’t falling asleep easily, why the hour-long (oh wait, it was actually longer if you wanted to see Adam’s performance!) show didn’t leave me satisfied and happy with the future of these select contestants and the often annoying, mostly ridiculous fools that we call judges. Like in the old days, where Chris Richardson crooning with a slight Southern twang could float me away on a dreamy cloudy pillow for 8+ hours of contentment, knowing that I could count on him being there to entertain me again the next week. Anyway, the result-- I have used last night’s show as a testing ground for my new theory: that American Idol is becoming a complete waste of time.

Hypothesis:

All the judges have no idea who they are supposed to be, so I can no longer take them seriously as judges of someone else’s talent and image.

Evidence:

• Last night Randy told Kris, “YOU are in the competition, not the SONG.” SINCE WHEN?!!?! As far as I have been tracking, song choice has been everyone’s biggest point of debate this season, and suddenly we are supposed to disregard it.
• I’m sure almost all of you have joined me in questioning Kara’s credibility and opinion on virtually everything. Her recent behavior has led to a confrontation with Megan’s brother, and from last night’s show, the strange discussion of Anoop’s supposed attitude that yielded an apology (which Simon did not approve of). She is getting under everyone’s skin, and not because she is providing criticism that people don’t agree with, but because she adds nothing to the show, which is sad as she could have become the resident expert on what makes a good recording artist.
• Paula has become the most reasonable judge. This should never be. She is throwing around terms like chord substitution. Something is cosmically altered. I knew I was feeling slightly off-kilter as I brushed my teeth last night.
• Simon. Has. Completely. Checked. Out.

Suggestions:

• Please drop the use of the following terms: “singing competition”, “package artist”, “vocals”, and “standing ovation”. (The latter should never be said, just done?)
• Go back to down the line judging—start with Randy and end with Simon.
• Don’t continue spending so much camera time on the judges—no more watching them walk in, asking who’s going home, talking about the Judges’ Save—focus on the contestants. I am still shocked about how little I know about each of them! My total knowledge: Anoop is an only child. Adam’s dad is super cute. Danny is the ham of his family. Allison’s family was unfairly subtitled in the past, but not last night. Kris wanted to be a cab driver. That’s it. I should be forming permanent relationships with people’s moms and knowing the patterns of their couches by the top 8!

In addition to my hypothesis that explains the slow downturn of the show, I created a pro and con list to help me better explore my feelings.

Pros/Cons of watching AI Season 8:

• Pro: I look forward to fresh performances of songs
• Con: Blind-y keeps singing power ballads that absolutely suck, and America keeps pitying him and voting for him despite the true lack of pleasing notes sung
• Pro: It’s amusing to watch the group numbers and see them pulverize pop music
• Con: Song choice is constantly criticized yet greatly out of the contestant’s control
• Pro: Phil Stacey returned in last night’s audience—maybe you saw the robotic bald man in the beginning?
• Con: Matt Giraud (crowned by Melissa, Aimee, Robin and I as a Typical Boston Asshole [even though he’s not from here, he fits the part and would normally be the type that approaches you after the Sox game at Game On! after too many Jaeger-bombs]) seems like he may be around for awhile, despite his tight pants and so-so performing.
• Pro: The first useful criticism of the year came last night regarding Lil—all the judges actually warned her in a way that could prove useful. Maybe there will be more of that as we move into the top contestants?
• Con: The judges or producers have their favorites: Adam, Danny, and Matt, and are leaving little room for Allison and Kris to succeed by KILLING them with weird arrangements and comments about being only “likeable” or “cute” or “good” and not “AMAZING”, “AWESOME”, or “two words, STANDING OVATION” like their faves.
• Pro: Paula saying, “magical” and “rainbow” repeatedly
• Con: Anything Kara or Randy says anymore
• Pro: I still think it’s a great platform for an emerging artist
• Con: Sadly, the show is becoming not at all about the singers

It’s sad. I want to be in love with it. On Monday night, I was wishing Idol was on. I want to love them all! I want to be moved to vote for everyone! Let’s hope that things take a turn for the better soon, starting with a surprise reversal of the decision to send Alexis home. That would also help.

In closing, it is my theory that soon enough most Americans will join me in disdain of celebrity hogging, overpaid jerks that don’t really mold or shape future Idols (not artists or talents, we’re talking about POP STARS) through their critique. It’s time to take a step back, RKPS, and allow the contestants to speak for themselves. I’m going to give you one more week to improve, if I see no change, expect an angry letter in this forum.

Sincerely,
Jessica
A Fan Since Season 5 and Someone That Really Likes To Share Her Feelings About “Singing Competitions”

Cheers to that

Ever notice how repetitive ‘American Idol’ can get? How could you not? Use the predictability to your benefit with this totally non-sanctioned, not-patented American Idol drinking game:

• Drink at any mention of a past ‘American Idol’ contestant.
• Take 2 drinks at the mention of a past ‘American Idol’ winner.
• Drink when a judge says the words “I like you” during his/her critique.
• Drink when Ryan is shown in the audience.
• Take a half-drink when Paula gives someone a standing ovation.
• Drink when Simon critiques someone’s outfit.
• Drink when the mentor is shown live in the audience.
  
• Drink when someone is called the best of the night.
  
• Drink when a contestant plays an instrument.
• Drink when a contestant is placed on the stage in a somehow unique way (On the ground, in the crowd, etc.).
• Drink when a contestant’s family and loved ones are shown.
• Take a half-drink when song choice is critiqued.
• Drink any time Ryan tries to incite a fight between Simon & Paula or Simon & himself.
• Drink when you see a fan-made sign.
• Drink again when a fan-made sign has a pun on it.
• Drink when Randy mentions one of the “greats” – Whitney Houston, Stevie Wonder, etc.
• Drink every time the words “this competition” are said.
• Drink every time some kind of promotion or sponsorship is mentioned (iTunes, Ford, etc.)

We’ve never ever officially done the drinking game throughout a whole show of ‘American Idol’ – we’re often too busy recognizing other rules to add to the list – so this might need some tweaking to make it weeknight appropriate. But if nothing else, this can be used as a handy distraction to make Kara slightly more tolerable… Have fun!

A Weekend in Nashville

It had been over 5 years since I’d ventured South to visit my brother, sister-in-law and nephews. In fact, last time I went to Nashville, I only had one nephew. Now, I have two. And boy oh boy, are they adorable.

Matthew (Mattie) turned 2 on Halloween. He is incredibly blonde, loves school buses and circle shapes, and responds to both things with “Whoa.” Douglas (named after my dad; ring bearer at our wedding) will be 7 in July. I can hardly believe this. He is such a good big brother, played his first baseball game this weekend, and loooved Trevor (My brother: “Douglas, hold Aunt Ashley’s hand while you cross the street.” Douglas: “No! Trevor’s!”).

The trip itself was quite an adventure, because most of the East Coast was experiencing thunder storms Friday night when we were due to fly out. After a few hours of delays, our flight was cancelled. The only option to get us from Boston to Nashville before Saturday afternoon was to fly to Dallas, stay overnight in the airport (no comped hotels when the weather’s at fault) and then catch a 6AM flight to Nashville. So, we did that. Dallas airport employees walk around with cots for travelers stranded overnight – how nice:

We arrived in Nashville just before 9AM, and got to go straight to Douglas’s first ever baseball game.

Then, it was time for a quick shower/refresher, and off for lunch and play in Dragon Park.

Saturday afternoon meant a driving tour of Nashville, ice cream and naps all around. Then Trevor and I got to stay with the boys and dogs play lots of trains and checkers (plus, Trevor experienced his first ever Barney), while Stan & Sally went to a dinner party. When they returned, Stan, Trevor & I headed out for a night in downtown Nashville at the honky tonk bars.


We went three different places, saw 4 different bands (no covers anywhere, natch) and ended the night as I imagine most nights out in the South must:

Sunday meant coffee, more baseball and a tiny plane back to Boston. Rapid fire, but really a great weekend, y’all.

Movie Review: Marley & Me

Do you plan to see Marley & Me? Stop reading right now.

No, seriously, stop.

This was the worst movie ever. You remember the massive marketing campaign around this movie a few months ago? About how heartwarming it was going to be and how perfect it would be for the family to see at Christmas? Okay, well the only possible redeeming thing about this film is that I was not fooled by that marketing campaign. Because if I had been, it’s quite possible that Christmas would have been ruined. Forever.

I am, of course, exaggerating. But it was an incredibly painful experience. I watched it on a plane from Boston to Dallas, and had I tried to write this review immediately afterwards, I wouldn’t have been able to, because my eyes were literally swollen shut from all the crying. Buckets and buckets of tears.

Let’s see, how many things within this movie made me cry? We’ve got: a miscarriage, a marriage in trouble, a family growing and an unsatisfied career man. We have a puppy doing adorable things, and then a grown dog doing adorable things. We have a family settling into a happy life, children doing adorable things, wife encouraging husband on a career path, dog getting older, a health scare and family realizing he is dying. We have the silent exchange of ‘It’s okay, it’s time’ recognition between dog and owner, a vet’s office goodbye, and as if that weren’t enough, children reading letters to the dog at his graveside. Dear god.

Maybe the real problem is that, despite what the plot sounds like, the movie wasn’t overly sentimental. Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are two of the most likable actors around, which might have made this even more painful.

I have to stop writing this now, because if I think in any more detail about how this movie ended, I will dissolve into a puddle of tears. Actual movie: 7 Twix bars. My emotional reaction to this movie: -3.5 Twix bars.

Man of the Month: April

Can you believe it’s already April? Winter’s almost gone, and so is the NBA season. It’s the latter that inspired the selection of Derek Fisher as April’s Man of the Month.

Don’t let the Boston residency fool you – I’m a Lakers fan through and through (as reaffirmed last year during the NBA Finals) – and Derek Fisher is a huge reason for that. It’s not just the .4 shot. Though, just for the sake of it, let’s revisit:



Yeah, that never gets old. Wait, what was I saying? Right, it’s not just that – there are many things to love about Derek Fisher. He actually spent 4 years in college and graduated with a degree. He does color commentary for LA’s WNBA team. He campaigned for Obama. He undertook a major career risk to move his ill daughter to a city that could treat her. He’s President of the Players Association and is, by all accounts, one of the nicest guys in the league.

Essentially, Derek Fisher represents what professional athletes can be like – all the talent, without the ego, arrest record, illegitimate children and salary disputes that have become commonplace. With those credentials, he certainly deserves the Man of the Month title, right?

A word about Paula

This year, I’m in love with Paula Abdul. Maybe it’s just compared to Kara, who has quickly become the worst thing ever added to ‘American Idol’ (worse than Puerto Rico auditions, parent interviews and Kevin Covais combined), but Paula has been strangely coherent this season on ‘American Idol’, offering actual constructive feedback more often than rambling poetry. Bonus points for the best – if slightly awkward in its over-preparedness – comeback I expect to ever see to a particularly sassy/interruptive Simon Cowell: Pulling out a coloring book and crayons and telling him to color so she could pay attention.

But the real reason I love her is that I feel like she’s actually interested and invested in these contestants – she doesn’t relish breaking them down, and she’s consistently the only one to make an effort to go on stage and wish the departing contestant well.

Now, one more word about Kara. All she cares about is easily definable artists - that ubiquitous “package artist” label. According to her – and increasingly Randy, who, as Jessica points out, is quickly wearing out his welcome – Lil should only sing Mary J. Blige, Megan should have only sung songs by raspy voiced Brits, Matt Giraud should stick with R&B and avoid rock, while Anoop should not try R&B because that’s not “who he is.” This is why she isn't big on Adam Lambert. Since he’s from theater, he can take on the character of any song and nail it, so Kara can’t figure out what box to put him in, and that makes her uncomfortable. Notice how she always tiptoes around her critique of him – she calls him "weird" and "interesting" and "unique," but she always stops short of the praise the other judges (rightfully) bestow on his Could-Sing-the-Phone-Book talent. I'm not sure I can handle two more months of her.

Top 9: I don't know what it is but it seems she's got me twisted...

We love guest commentary (these days, it might seem more prevalent than home turf commentary!):

I’m referring, of course to Kara DioGuardi. Some factoids ripped from her Wiki:

• She is of Albanian and Italian descent.
• SHE IS A COUSIN OF REGIS PHILBIN!!!?!?!
• She has worked with Celine Dion, David Archuleta, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Leona Lewis, Ashley Tisdale, P!nk, Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears and Paula Abdul.

Some factoids ripped from my brain about Kara:

• She is the perfect mix of uselessness and irritation.
• She is like the lovechild of Randy and Paula: extremely mild and unwilling to offend, yet with none of joys of Paula’s poetry.
• She may have the background to be qualified as a judge, but she sure as hell isn’t proving to be interesting enough as one.

Moving on to a new rant: Randy. Dude, you know, you’re kind-of just alright for me anymore. I mean, I know you make some interesting style choices and are representing a lot of people’s opinions (in never giving a meaningful one on anything), but I am just not feeling you so much. WHAT HAPPENED?! You used to get excited! You used to scream and whoop and yell words like, “Hot!”, “Dawg!”, and “Hotdog!”. I miss your personality. Did Kara steal it from you and mix in the part of Paula’s that was sucked out to make her cheekbones more exaggerated?

Okay, enough. For now. Paula and Simon are annoying the heck out of me too, but that would be at least five more paragraphs and it’s time to move on to last night’s business: Songs that are popular downloads on iTunes. My question: How popular do they need to be? I was looking for a little more clarity there, as I’m sure many of you were. I did like the visit of the contestants to Ryan’s radio show—I give him a listen every now and then, and definitely appreciate him as a disc jockey (He’s might be losing his flair as the host, but again, I won’t be sidetracked.). Let me just insert that I love Top 40 music, not because pop changes my life in any way, but because I like to stay connected to what’s popular and Casey Kasem’s voice always made me feel like I was dipping a spoon into a fresh bowl of chocolate mousse. Plus, we all have to support someone who supported 'Saved By the Bell', right?

Anoop started the show with a shouty and echoey “Caught Up” by Usher. I heart Usher and I don’t know, guys. Does it bother anyone else how Anoop looks so angry when he sings? During judging, the word “vocals” was used 7 times and during Anoop’s rebuttal he said “opinion” about 5 or 6 times. That’s all I got. After the break, Megan over-Winehoused “Turn Your Lights Down Low” but ended it beautifully—I just could cling to the last notes forever. It seemed like the women were actually giving her constructive criticism, but the men just criticized. We’ll see where Megan Joy (OMG I can’t even deal with THAT) falls—I’m betting on bottom three. Danny decided he “wanted to tone it down this week” so he sang “What Hurts the Most” (a song I can’t stand) by Rascal Flatts (men that look like fools). It was good, but I don’t really care? The judges went insane with praise and Danny shared that “when you got a heart” you must share it. Allison, dressed as Barbie of Barbie and the Rockers, did “her” version of 'Don’t Speak', and it was individualistic. Don’t take that as a compliment from me. The judges did all they could not to praise her because she is turning into a front runner and I think they want to knock her down a peg, so they only focused on her outfit and not the performance. Scott came out next and elicited a mental Ay! Ay! AY! from me (my favorite phrase from my trip to Puerto Rico) with his performance of 'Just the Way You Are' by B.J. [Editor's Note: Billy Joel is the absolute best. As Robin stated at my house last night, “It was definitely good, but the mullet is really distracting.” I agree wholeheartedly—they trimmed the sides but not the back? The text from a letter I overnighted to the studio today:

Dear American Idol Stylists, It is a cruel joke to give an Indian teen a Mohawk. It is a travesty to give a 21 year old mom pink hair. But it is to hell that you are bound when you give a blind man a mullet. Love, Jessica

Matt stood in the weirdest arrangement yet on Idol (and I am counting Kat McPhee’s barefoot sitting with congo drummer) at his keyboard surrounded by fans singsing the Fray’s “You Found Me”. I can’t stop disliking this dude. He dresses horribly, sings raspily (not a word) and CREEPS me out. I feel like he’s got a sketchy past—I can’t wait until something comes out about him. The performance: interesting but meh. Lil, clad in the wig of the week, brought her kids this week to see her sing “I Surrender” and she had to when the judges came down kinda hard on her. Her daughter volunteered to punch Randy on her behalf, but upon arrival just ended up in the most adorable hug. This endeared me enough to Randy to let him by with only minor insults this week. Still a warning: Bring back your personality, dawg. Moving on to…

Adam. Play That Funky Music. Crazy tongue. Insane dancing. Lots of falsetto riffing. Comparisons to Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger. Is that enough? It was insane-o yet again, but masterful? He will be just fine and I even think he’s gonna win, but I don’t know if I can actually embrace that! It’s just all soooo dramatic. Not that a musician shouldn’t be somewhat spectacular in the unique way he is. I don’t know. He needs to win me over. Like…..Kris has. Sigh. Even with what I refer to as a “grit-stache” he is so dreeeeeeeamy. Really putting his heart into “Ain’t No Sunshine”, he gave his definite best performance so far, and moved into what I would consider a more serious realm, not just a poppy sweetheart guy like Gavin DeGraw or David Archuleta. I of course fell asleep with happy dreams of him leaving his wife and taking me on the Idol tour with him this summer.

So—who’s in trouble? I think Anoop, Megan, Matt, and Lil are going to be among the lower vote-getters this time around. Good luck in the pool and more tomorrow with results!

Love and fake hair and LIVE! With Regis!,
Jessica

Back in action.

My loyal readers (Hello out there!) have certainly (hopefully) noticed a lack of blog posts over the last few days. Don’t fret, there is an explanation. That explanation is: Vacation. I’ve been in Puerto Rico for the last 4 days, joyfully internet free. I apologize that this has meant a lack of procrastination reading for you, but don’t worry, I’ll be back in the swing of things soon. Stay tuned for April’s Man of the Month, full vacation & American Idol recaps, as well as a mid-year report on the 19-step program I kicked off on my last birthday.