The Secret Life of an American No-Longer Teenager

The geniuses at VH1 are bringing us an all-new “celebrity” reality show, 'Confessions of a Teen Idol.' Shocking that this hasn't yet been done (that show about the two Coreys really opened some doors). By featuring Jeremy Jackson (David Hasselhoff's son on 'Baywatch'), Jaime Walters (Donna-shovin' Ray Pruitt) and David Chokachi (Also from 'Baywatch,' he of the abs...no, the blonde one.), I’m surprised to say that they’re getting a whole lot closer to featuring people I did actually care about in my younger years (as opposed to, say, any incarnation of ‘The Surreal Life’ or ‘Celebrity Fit Club.’). But they’re still missing the mark. Who did I really care about between the ages 10-16?

• Brad Renfro & Jonathan Brandis – Let’s just get this out of the way. It is really beyond awful that both of these actors, my absolute 2 biggest junior high crushes died, young, in tragic ways: These boys completely dominated my 7th and 8th grade lockers. Everyone’s seen ‘The Client,’ but you’ve never really seen Brad Renfro until you’ve seen tearjerker ‘The Cure’ and, of course, ‘Tom and Huck.’
  

For Jonathan Brandis, skip right over ‘Neverending Story’ and head for ‘Ladybugs’ (Maybe with a detour into ‘Sidekicks’) – it’s an unequivocal classic, if only for how angry it made soccer-playing girls that their uniforms never had polka dots. Parenthetically, the female lead, who I used to always confuse with Katherine Heigl during her ‘My Father the Hero’ days and then Hilary Swank during her BH90210 days, has been making a fairly legit comeback. Please reference ‘3:10 to Yuma.’ Though I completely disapprove of how you spell your name, way to go Vinessa Shaw.

• Jonathan Jackson – The double threat! I used to record ‘General Hospital’ everyday and then fast forward through most parts to watch the teen romance story between JonJack’s Lucky (the spawn of Luke & Laura – oh, the angst!) and Liz. He also stars, with amazing hair, in the amazing film ‘Camp Nowhere’ (by co-starring Christopher Lloyd, this is completely legitimate). Along with his brother, Richard, who was supposed to be the Zach Morris character on ‘Saved by the Bell: The New Class,’ he is apparently a super devout evangelical Christian these days. If that doesn’t make for awesome reality TV, what does?

• Gabriel Damon – There’s an unwritten law amongst 13 year old girls: In any movie that stars a bunch of cute boys, which you are therefore bound to obsess over with your closest friends, crushes must be divided equally. In the case of ‘Newsies’ – the prime example of a movie about boys really designed for teenage girls because they sing (second maybe to ‘White Squall,’ because, well, they’re shirtless) – I claimed Spot. He was tough, had the best lines, and Christian Bale’s Jack had already been claimed. Listen, you don’t mess with the rules.

• Devon Sawa – That Christina Ricci, getting Devon Sawa in not one, but two movies (YouTube is amazing.). He was a late addition to my crush roster, and our romance flamed out pretty quickly, but he holds a special place in my heart, if only for the fact that he was supposed to be the star of ‘Idle Hands,’ but out of it came instead Seth Green and Jessica Alba. Killed off, I assume, in the first 'Final Destination' (Did you know there have been 4?), he's actually a pretty good candidate for a reality TV show.
  

• Vincent Larusso – My love for Joshua Jackson is well-documented, but, to be fair, throughout the 'Mighty Ducks' franchise, I was always more of a Banksy girl. That talent! Those polo shirts!

Just some friendly casting advice, VH1, for the inevitable second season. I'd also be fairly interested to know where Taran Noah Smith (the youngest brother from 'Home Improvement') is, and I bet Rider Strong would love to participate. You can thank me later.