March 18, 2009

Top 11: You were always on my mind!

The guest commentary continues with Jessica's take on last night's Top 11 performances on American Idol.

Last night’s Idol pushed me to make a few firm decisions:
  1. There are many country songs I just luuuu-uuuv. (Two syllables.)
  2. I miss the Idol format of yore, when the mentor served as a guest judge.
  3. I could be a better judge than last night’s Randy, Kara, Paula, or Simon. They all performed miserably.
  4. There are certain contestants I don’t give a what about.
To elaborate:

That’s right, I love country.

Maybe cuz back in West Virginia, it permeates the atmosphere so much more. But hearing some of my favorite Garth Brooks or Dolly songs, I was really glad that they did the Opry week. There is nothing more miserable than those people that say they “just hate all country” music. I feel like people just say that because they don’t like certain singers or groups. They should be exposed in this cheap way to more country music. In other news--I would like to assert that Carrie Underwood may be having an impact on modern country, but seeing that it was Opry night I was disappointed in the lack of variety that the program offered. Why wasn’t each song by a different artist? Or more contemporary artists like Brad Paisley, Keith Urban, Darius Rucker (that’s right, Hootie), or Sugarland represented? Or more well known classics by George Jones, Reba McEntire, or Faith Hill picked because those are the songs people really get into? With song choice becoming the judges favorite thing to pick on besides the tightness of a contestant’s pants, I’m really beginning to wonder who the Puppetmaster is that is pulling some strings and cutting others—and is responsible for THREE artists getting TWO of their songs picked. When we are talking about HUNDREDS of country musicians over the years.

Whew. Anyway…to make a long story short: Carrie Underwood is Overrated. At least give a nod!

Last night made me sad for Randy Travis.

Why didn’t anyone sing one of his songs? In the old days, the mentors were a judge too, and now that’s just been pushed into a little pre-performance video package that actually doesn’t matter at all. And the actual judges never even deign to mention this mentorship. In the past, the mentor/judges were always overly gracious, but also perfect candidates for hilarity and entertainment value! Imagine these artists trying to remain tactful and polite when really on the spot—I would have loved to see R. Travis truly grade the performances. Let’s have 50 Cent, or Katie Perry, or Pete Wentz come on as a guest judge. They’d be bound to be amusing, at least. Which leads me to my next point…

Enough with the fake fighting and banter, I’m done with it.

Last night, the judges were ridiculous. They added NOTHING to the show. They didn’t help me form opinions. Let me charm you with some direct quotes…
“You could sing the alphabet well.” –Kara to Allison

“Tender moments from my dawg Kris.” –Randy

“You’re like someone singing at a wedding..” –Simon to “Little”

“Hot! Crazy! Unbelievable!”—Randy to Scott (!!?!?!!!?)

“More effective…” –Paula to Alexis

“Artists…” –Kara

“Artists like you” –Paula

“blah blah blah artists blah” –Paula

“A true artist” –Kara

“Artist shmartist” –Jessica

“You did it!” –Kara

“You should have flu every week.” –Simon to Megan

“What I applaud you most is your honesty, authenticity, how you are a true artist…” –Paula to Matt

“Mad skilz” –Randy
THESE FOOLS? You are looking to them to help you, America? I can do soooo much better! These people don’t even speak proper English! (Not that I always do, but you see, that’s because I am trying to get you to understand my oral colloquialisms, pacing, enunciation, and word choice through the written word, which is quite difficult sometimes. I mean, how can I use words to express how flabbergasted I am by the idiocy Simon and Paula exhibit as they grab each other constantly, fighting like five-year-olds? It’s tough.) Okay, so anyway, like I was saying, allow me to tell you what I thought.

Which brings me to…I don’t give a damn, I don’t give a what.

Michael: Good performance of a fun song, but you were a little mumble-y. You didn’t get to express your full voice with the song, but I think you should be okay this week. And please, don’t say that “you had fun”. I hate that. And don’t be so sassy back to me when I judge you. Despite the success of the Osbournes, America doesn’t really appreciate sassy.

Allison: You surprised me. Nice way to edge a little bit away from pure Barbie and the Rockers style music. I loved your look, it was age appropriate, and you didn’t take the song lyrics overly seriously, which is good because you’re talking about one of country’s famous subjects, which no 16 y.o. should know too much about—the lyin’ cheatin’ two timin’ double dealin' heart.

Kris: Swwoooooooooooooooon. Swooony swoon swoon sigh. Mmmm mmmm yummy nibbles. Swwoooon. Great song. Can I record the duet with you?

Lil: Oopsy daisy, girl. I find it adorable that you said, “Leeks” for “licks, but the song was not so good. You still put too much R&B flavor in it, and it’s just not that believable. I could picture it in the beginning, wich, by the way, the judges said was the worst part, but I thought was the best. We know you can sing though. I just think it wasn’t enough impact.

Adam: What the hell?!? Sorry, Ashley, I know you want me to be supportive, but it was weeeeeirrrrrd. The crowd LOVED it, but I just thought it was super creepy and was totally skeeved out by you. I think he sexualized a song that isn’t, and even though I like new arrangements and all that, he should have stuck with the original. His voice is unique enough, he doesn’t have to go to all the theatrics all the time. Talk about someone that needs to do something vulnerable.

Scott: I seriously don’t give. Ashley and Trevor suggested I write something down in my notes. Here they are: Jacket=same as Allison’s. Hair=better. Piano playing=gifted performer with his instrument. Jessica=bored.

Alexis: Maybe not your best night, but minus the boobs, you looked just like Dolly, even if you didn’t sing like her. You’ll be fine!

Danny: Sooooooo turned off by that song “Jesus Take the Wheel”. Blah blah blah. Dressed like Benjamin Linus to turn the Donkey Wheel. Don’t give a what.

Anoooooop!: Everyone has to say your name that way. You might as well have it legally changed. Include the exclamation! You did gr8. 4 sum reason I rlly want 2 write ur entry in txt speak just so I can say u sang, “u were alwayz on my mind”. I know, it’s a weird thing. NEwayz, gr8 job! U r 2 cool.

Megan: woooooowza, honey! You got away with MURDER this week. Can I say, I totally guessed that’s what you were going to sing? I knew it! Everyone else was really nice to you because you have Influenza B, but I think you did too much affectation with your voice and should have chosen a higher key to start in. You should have been sweeter—the song lyrics would have been more believable. Maybe you should have channeled your ex-love for your ex-husband to help you imagine what it’s like to “see a weeping willow, crying on his pillow”?

Matt: I wrote “DEAD TO ME” in my notes. You interpret.

Sooo….I hope I am right and Scott goes home tonight, after I watch my love (and Kimberly Williams’) Brad Paisley tonight and suffer through what is sure to be some horrible group number (Predictions? Before He Cheats? Something by Randy Travis maybe?) and an equally poor production that is meant to be a Ford commercial. Until then!

Lots of love and leather jackets and spurs,
Jessica

1 comments:

Trevor said...

America got it right. Adios Alexis!!!